Why the Twilight gender swapping book was lame sauce-Shocking, I know.

I finally finished reading Life and Death: a gender-swapping Twilight retelling.  I also acknowledge that where as I can usually finish a book in less than two days (three or four on an off week) this particular one took me almost a full month.  Sure, I can blame some of it on my work. I rarely do much outside the realm of work- and if I do get some down time I am the most non-productive human being on the planet. Ask my friends… they rarely hear from me. It’s sad really. Back to the point: like I said, I can admit when I am partially to blame, but the rest falls to the book itself- more importantly the characters.  

The main character to be precise: Beaufort Swan. Or Beaumont Swan. I don’t care enough to pick up the book and clarify. (All the character name swaps were just as awful, but who's really that surprised. She named Bella's child Renesmee. I mean come on.) He was absolutely and completely boring.  One can argue that Bella was too, but as a 16 year old ten years ago I could empathize with her insignificance.  I will also say that Bella at least had some snark to her. Some kind of sassy something. Beau however was nothing but this dull guy who I could not fathom why anyone let alone a gorgeous, talented-at-everything, almost perfect, girl vampire would even kind-of want. Seriously though, he was boring with a side of snooze-fest.  Meyer did not do him any justices. He used the word beautiful to describe Edythe more times than I care to remember.  Beau couldn’t string together a creative metaphor to save his life. He was contrived and, again, plain ole boring.

I really could go on with the annoyances I had with this book, but the more I realize how annoyed I am I begin to wonder why I wasn’t as annoyed with Twilight.  Bella was probably just as boring and ridiculous, and yet it didn’t bother me all those years ago. I think when it comes down to it, as a girl I was able to want to be Bella- a less than amazing girl who captures the heart of this gorgeously dangerous mythical being.  I’m sure a handful of girls my age desired that kind of connection with someone 'dark and mysterious' and/or ‘out of their league.’ They rooted for Bella.  She deserved some gorgeous guy to worship the ground she walked on darn it! But now that Beau is the lame human and Edythe is the vampire I kept wondering why in the WORLD would she settle for a guy like that.  I couldn’t empathize with Beau.  Because he’s the character I’m supposed to want.  As someone who has had crushes on boys her whole life, Beau was my intended target for the fictional character crush. However that did not happen, obviously.   I’d like to read about a guy that doesn’t remind me of parchment paper.  It comes down to this: if I had been Edythe I totally would have killed Beau in Biology class.  Just saying.

Hope this was incredibly insightful for you all.  I think I’m going to read Harry Potter now.   Have a Happy Halloween!