Truth with a side of realization

i lie.  i lie a lot.  i don't know why.  well that's a lie right there.. i really think it is because if i told the truth i would be alone.  but now I'm thinking that is better then having fake friends and fake relationships.  but the question is how does a girl like me who made lying apart of her daily life break the habit, and start telling the truth?

it doesn't help when my friends ask me to lie for them.  it doesn't help when i can barely look in the mirror and face the truth that is staring back at me.  it doesn't help that i have so much hidden inside me i could burst from the pressure.  

i feel like i am living so many different lives.  and i don't know which one i really belong to.  if any of them for that matter.  maybe they are all facades, hiding the real me that has been trapped for almost 8 years.  

i guess my first step in changing is just being honest with the people around me about who i am

My name is Charity Ziebarth.  And I am a complete dork.  

I love reading.  put me in a public library and i could spend my whole day there.  And don't get me started in bookstores.  Any and all my money would disappear.  I am not going to take people's crap anymore about how i live more in "fantasy worlds" then the real world.  which leads to my addiction to writing.  Yes, more fiction and fantasy worlds.  I will not stop writing because you walk into a room and need attention.  Just like i would not expect you to put down your video game or stop a conversation with your friends when i walk into a room.  It is apart of who i am.  accept that, or leave.  because i do not need people in my life who tear me and what i love to do down.

I love to sing.  I left my music major because i felt inferior.  i know how to play exactly 0 instruments and my singing isn't exactly perfect.  I let self doubt and insecurity beat me out of what i loved to do.  I will not let that happen in theater.  I have made mistake these past two years when it comes to certain classes i have taken, specifically regarding attendance and staying on task with school work.. and that is going to change this year.  I will be the best i can be.  No more excuses.  

I am sure i will still procrastinate, but i cannot let it control my life anymore.  I have wasted more money and time and energy and hope by procrastinating then probably anything else.  

I will start being honest with my friends.  About everything.  I am no longer going to be okay when they have hurt me.  And i am no longer going to leave selfishness unchecked.  (myself included)  I am sorely tempted to write each of my closest friends a note on here, but maybe that will come later.  for now i just want you to know that i am not the same.  and i will not be a doormat any longer.

I love my mom so much.  She is my best friend.  I will continue to talk to her every single day i am in college.  (unless i get super busy which, lets face it, does happen)  i will not feel bad about it.  and i will enjoy every minute i get to talk to her.

I have a brother.  him and i have always butted heads.  And i regret that i have not been the big sister he needed.  I will be there for him his senior year of High School.  i am going to be a better sister.  a better daughter.  and a better friend.  and that all starts with the truth.

I hope my relationships can withstand the new me.  I hope I can withstand the new me.