Inner Battles: a dialogue story

"Explain how you feel."

"Like poop.  Dog poop smeared on the bottom of some rich man's fancy shoe.  So I'm even extra poopy in comparison with the expensive shoe." I glare at the ceiling.  Why am I here?  

"You're not allowed to use similes.  They're counterproductive and allow you to hide behind sarcasm."

"They're counterproductive meh meh meh." I mumble under my breath.

"Try again." 

"Alright.  I feel... sad." Generic feelings.  Nothing personal.

"That's better.  Now expand on that."

"Expand?  I'm not a balloon."

"Indeed.  Balloons don't talk.  Nor do they feel.  Explain why you're sad."

"I'm sad because I'm unhappy." I smirk, slightly delighted with my response.  Bring on all the vagueness.

"And are you always unhappy?" 

"Of course not." I snap, "I have no right to be.  I'm blessed beyond belief.  If I was unhappy all the time I'd be an ungrateful whelp."

"So you're only an ungrateful whelp some of the time then?"

I sit up only slightly.  Just enough to glare daggers at her. "That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

I groan loudly.  This is so stupid.  "I think these feelings are dumb.  I have no reason to be sad.  No real reason to be unhappy."

"And yet you are." 

"Wow.  Thank you.  You are a world of help.  Really.  I'm glad we had this discussion." I stand up angrily.  I am so over this.

"Why?"

"Why what?" I turn on her and cross my arms over my chest.  I should have just ignored her and left.  But heaven forbid I be rude.

"Why do you think your feelings are dumb?  They're yours after all.  And by calling them dumb you are, in extension, calling yourself dumb."

"Listen, my feelings are a roller coaster..."

"I said no similes." She cuts me off abruptly.

"Well luckily that was a metaphor."

For the first time she frowns.  Hah, gotcha!

"Go on." she says slowly.  

I try not to sound too snide as I continue, "And the roller coaster is never the same.  I never know what to expect or what's going to trigger the next drop or barrel roll.  It just happens.  And when it does... I'm not the only one it affects."

"You're talking about your friends and family."

"Ding ding." I collapse back to the bed.  I guess I can stay a little while longer.

"So are you saying you're more worried about how your emotions affect others than they do yourself?" 

"No.  That's not what I'm saying.  My emotions affect me first and foremost.  They don't exactly make others curl into a ball and sob uncontrollably.  But they do cause collateral damage.  Damage that sometimes I'm afraid is irreversible." I add the last part on quietly... like if I say it softly enough she'd miss it.  She doesn't.

"Because you let your emotions control you... and you lose your temper?"

"Yes.  But it's more than just getting angry and losing my temper.  I feel everything.  All the good; all the bad.  I ride the roller coaster wherever it takes me.  I'm not the one driving."

"Why not?"

"Because it's a bloody roller coaster!  No one drives a roller coaster!  It wouldn't be a roller coaster if there was a driver now would it?  It be a car... or a bus!" I shout at her.  Way to keep my cool.  That's twice now.

"Fair enough.  Why has the roller coaster taken a dive recently?"

"What?" 

"You heard me." She says in a manner of fact kind of tone.  Now who's getting sassy?

"I don't know.  I guess I'm lonely.  I think."

"Lonely?  But you have friends... willing to hang out with you.  Willing to spend time with you.  And coworkers who enjoy your company.  You aren't unloved by any means and,"

"Exactly!  I know all those things.  And that's why these feelings are stupid.  I should be happy.  Content.  Satisfied.  But I'm not.  I'm angry I don't get to see my family more often.  Angry that when I do I'm pissy and standoffish.  And selfish.  Always selfish."

"Not always dear."  

"What would you know?  I lash out at the people I care about.  I drive them away because I don't think I'm worth ANYTHING!!!" I cry into my hands as the tears begin to fall.  Oh great.  Perfect.  She's got me crying now.

"You are.  You are worth so much.  And to think otherwise?  That is what's stupid.  Not your feelings.  Not the emotional roller coaster."  

I don't look at her.  I don't move.  What happened to her level headed no emotion approach?

"It all comes down to the fact you look in the mirror and are disgusted by what you see."

Another wave of tears.  Thanks.  Thanks a whole lot.

"That is what you have to deal with.  Your friends, best-friends, ex's, boyfriends, acquaintances, relatives, strangers, the entirety of the whole world, and God can all love you to pieces, but if you don't love yourself it will never be enough."

"How am I supposed to do that?  With all the regret, guilt, hurt, bitterness, and anger gnawing away at my soul.  All the things I've done to myself.  All my bad decisions." I challenge her as I finally meet her eyes.

"You're human.  What about your accomplishments?  Your loyalty?  Your love, compassion, patience, devotion, and passion?  You so easily look at the negatives.  You allow them to overwhelm you to exhaustion.  What would happen if at those lows on your roller coaster you focus on the ups?  The times when you could have flown to the moon and back with joy.  It's convenient those memories slip away so easily.

"Convenient?  How is that convenient?  I'm wallowing here!  I'd hardly call it convenient." So now we're yelling at each other.  Great.

"Convenient because it gives you an excuse to hate yourself.  You're allowed to feel sad and depressed!  It happens.  You don't have to add it to the list of what's wrong with you.  Shred that damn list!  You are more than a list of human inefficiencies.  Why can't you see that?!"

"You're an awful shrink!!!" I scream right back at her.

Silence.  

I blink a few times trying to rid the blurriness brought on by all the tears.  I focus on the figure in front of me.  She looks much less professional now.  Her hair is untidy and she's wearing the exact same thing as me.  Jeans and a t-shirt.  And she's been crying too.  

A loud knock on my door yanks my attention in the opposite direction.  "You okay in there?  I heard quite a bit of yelling."  On the other side of the door my roommate shouts worriedly.

"I'm fine." I call back as I look forward again.

"You sure?" she pushes open the door and I can hear her footsteps coming closer.

"Yeah.  I was just arguing with myself.  I'll be okay." 

I smile sadly at my reflection in the mirror.

"Better than okay." I whisper.

Diving in

I tend to overreact. It's part of the whole being emotional 98% of the time thing. It's also due to the fact I care wayyy more than I should about things that other people probably don't give a second thought about. I'm also incredibly sensitive at times (baha alright... Most of the time) so you may hurt me without even knowing it. And because I'm passive aggressive to a fault I would rather make snide comments on twitter or fb then actually tell you I'm hurt. Or I complain about it to my other friends who I'm currently not upset with/hurt by.
I do not like that I do this Nor do I condone it.
Because a) it makes those friends dislike the person I'm complaining about and/or makes them ask if I even enjoy being that persons friend in the first place and b) I'm not solving anything by venting. Well I feel better afterwards and I usually can go on with my day... But then I get hurt a few days later and that feeling of annoyed bitterness comes back ten-fold. All because I brushed my feelings under the rug/table/pick your choice of furniture.
So what I'm trying to get at is I want to be more honest. Which sounds simple and you're probably thinking- what a concept! But it's not simple. It's not easy. I don't like making others feel uncomfortable. And I certainly don't like making others mad/upset/annoyed with me. However, I'm beginning to realize that by not being honest with others I'm tearing myself apart. I make bad decisions... I want to drown myself into anything but real life... I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. And it's all because I'm too afraid to share how I feel. Too afraid because deep down I think that if I confront an issue then that person (best friend, coworker, boyfriend, friend, even some family members) will realize I'm not worth the aggravation. This is when you say, "well charity, if they don't stick around for your friendship or whatever then they're obviously not worth YOUR time." And again, sounds simple. But it's not for me. I'd rather sky dive or scuba dive... Or any dive than dive into my tumultuous never-ending emotions with others. Because if I can barely understand them how do I expect others to?!?! Ughhhhh. Now I'm just talking in circles.
Thanks for reading. I'm going to attempt the honesty thing. Not that I'll tell every person who walks by wearing a pair of crocks that they need to reevaluate their fashion sense... But just be more honest with the people I care about... And who effect me on a daily/weekly basis. This should be fun. Wish me luck.

Things I love/loathe about...

-Working at Bookstar.
Love: My coworkers. They are beyond fun and keep me entertained while simultaneously keeping me on my toes.  My skipping, singing/humming, odd phrases, and the like don't seem to bother them at all.  In fact I think they might even enjoy it.  It's always a fun time when we work.  There's so few of us that we're kind of a family.  I am pretty sure I love every single one of them... Minus the Dementor... Though I guess dementors need love too... So why not... Im a loving person... And by-jove he's going to not dislike me entirely within this next year... That is my goal. Kill 'em with kindness!!! (or a really heavy book)
Loathe: the temperature is kept at a whopping 65 degrees in the stock room and break room. Which means I'm freezing half of the time... And I'm not exaggerating because I'm usually quite freezing in normal type temperature... So for all intensive purposes I might as well be working in Antarctica. But at least there it would be normal to wear a parka... Here... People look at me funny.
Love: I work at a bookstore. That in itself is love. Books have always been such an important part of my life and the fact I get to be surrounded by them all day almost every day is simply wonderful. But it also reminds me how few books I've actually read. I need to read more! Seriously though... I do. Got any suggestions? I finished three books a couple of weeks ago and then never mentioned them on here... They weren't really worth mentioning sadly enough. So I need moooore ideas.

-Living by myself.
Love: I know that when there is a mess or I've magically run out of food... There is no one to blame but myself. Don't get me wrong... I still think there could be a mystical type creature that hides my stuff and eats my food... But besides this mystical creature... The state of my place depends solely on me. Which in spite of the looming responsibility... It's nice to know I am in control of my place. I can decorate as I want and move furniture around the way I like. It's just super Awesome.
Loathe: I always come home to an empty place. Sure I have my stuffed animals (don't even kind of judge me... I have and will always love them... I don't have an exuberant amount necessarily... But come on... They're cute and cuddly and again... I live by myself. I can't cuddle with myself. Nor do I look like a fuzzy wuzzy bear. So, my tiny obsession of stuffed animals really isn't that bad... Technically) but other than them I'm all by myself. Every day. Most of the time I'm totally okay with that... But every once in awhile it's kind of sad. Which means I just need to invite people over more I guess... I'll have to ask Shakesbear if that's alright. HAHAHA. Just kidding... I don't actually talk to my stuffed animals...I'm not that weird. But I did name him that... Clever no? (technically Michael came up with the name... But shhhhhh ... I'm taking all the credit)
Love: I can walk around in my apartment wearing as little clothing as I desire. I don't walk around naked... (though I totally could... Ha ha) but, for instance, I can wear just a bra and jeans if I like... Or dance around in only my underwear and be perfectly okay because no one is here to look at me like I've lost my mind. It's just fun is all I'm saying... And I love it. (Some people might think that this is awkward... but that just means you have never had the pleasure of dancing about in your underwear.  Because I assure you... it's the best)  Also... I'm a girl... so walking around in less clothing than what is deemed necessary is kind of a big deal.  I can't walk around in public with my shirt off.  Not that I would ever want to... but my point is that since I live by myself I can wear whatever I like and no one's the wiser.  ;)

Whelp, that's enough love and loathing for one day.  I'm sure I'll have another installment out sometime... Maybe I'll discuss my love/loathing for iPhones!  Or Pointless.  Or being a girl.  Or graduating (though that probably won't happen until school is back in session).  But I definitely think this is going to be a reoccuring theme now.  So stay tuned. And have one fantastic July!!!

OHHHH I almost forgot.  There is a new(ish) song that I am falling in LOVE with.
Here it is: Good Time by Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen.  This is their lyric video.  (Lyric videos are catchy and wicked fun.)
I seriously love it.  It's so upbeat and lively.  I think this summer has come out with some really kick-butt songs.  And we're only half way through!!!  So excited.