Inner Battles: a dialogue story

"Explain how you feel."

"Like poop.  Dog poop smeared on the bottom of some rich man's fancy shoe.  So I'm even extra poopy in comparison with the expensive shoe." I glare at the ceiling.  Why am I here?  

"You're not allowed to use similes.  They're counterproductive and allow you to hide behind sarcasm."

"They're counterproductive meh meh meh." I mumble under my breath.

"Try again." 

"Alright.  I feel... sad." Generic feelings.  Nothing personal.

"That's better.  Now expand on that."

"Expand?  I'm not a balloon."

"Indeed.  Balloons don't talk.  Nor do they feel.  Explain why you're sad."

"I'm sad because I'm unhappy." I smirk, slightly delighted with my response.  Bring on all the vagueness.

"And are you always unhappy?" 

"Of course not." I snap, "I have no right to be.  I'm blessed beyond belief.  If I was unhappy all the time I'd be an ungrateful whelp."

"So you're only an ungrateful whelp some of the time then?"

I sit up only slightly.  Just enough to glare daggers at her. "That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

I groan loudly.  This is so stupid.  "I think these feelings are dumb.  I have no reason to be sad.  No real reason to be unhappy."

"And yet you are." 

"Wow.  Thank you.  You are a world of help.  Really.  I'm glad we had this discussion." I stand up angrily.  I am so over this.

"Why?"

"Why what?" I turn on her and cross my arms over my chest.  I should have just ignored her and left.  But heaven forbid I be rude.

"Why do you think your feelings are dumb?  They're yours after all.  And by calling them dumb you are, in extension, calling yourself dumb."

"Listen, my feelings are a roller coaster..."

"I said no similes." She cuts me off abruptly.

"Well luckily that was a metaphor."

For the first time she frowns.  Hah, gotcha!

"Go on." she says slowly.  

I try not to sound too snide as I continue, "And the roller coaster is never the same.  I never know what to expect or what's going to trigger the next drop or barrel roll.  It just happens.  And when it does... I'm not the only one it affects."

"You're talking about your friends and family."

"Ding ding." I collapse back to the bed.  I guess I can stay a little while longer.

"So are you saying you're more worried about how your emotions affect others than they do yourself?" 

"No.  That's not what I'm saying.  My emotions affect me first and foremost.  They don't exactly make others curl into a ball and sob uncontrollably.  But they do cause collateral damage.  Damage that sometimes I'm afraid is irreversible." I add the last part on quietly... like if I say it softly enough she'd miss it.  She doesn't.

"Because you let your emotions control you... and you lose your temper?"

"Yes.  But it's more than just getting angry and losing my temper.  I feel everything.  All the good; all the bad.  I ride the roller coaster wherever it takes me.  I'm not the one driving."

"Why not?"

"Because it's a bloody roller coaster!  No one drives a roller coaster!  It wouldn't be a roller coaster if there was a driver now would it?  It be a car... or a bus!" I shout at her.  Way to keep my cool.  That's twice now.

"Fair enough.  Why has the roller coaster taken a dive recently?"

"What?" 

"You heard me." She says in a manner of fact kind of tone.  Now who's getting sassy?

"I don't know.  I guess I'm lonely.  I think."

"Lonely?  But you have friends... willing to hang out with you.  Willing to spend time with you.  And coworkers who enjoy your company.  You aren't unloved by any means and,"

"Exactly!  I know all those things.  And that's why these feelings are stupid.  I should be happy.  Content.  Satisfied.  But I'm not.  I'm angry I don't get to see my family more often.  Angry that when I do I'm pissy and standoffish.  And selfish.  Always selfish."

"Not always dear."  

"What would you know?  I lash out at the people I care about.  I drive them away because I don't think I'm worth ANYTHING!!!" I cry into my hands as the tears begin to fall.  Oh great.  Perfect.  She's got me crying now.

"You are.  You are worth so much.  And to think otherwise?  That is what's stupid.  Not your feelings.  Not the emotional roller coaster."  

I don't look at her.  I don't move.  What happened to her level headed no emotion approach?

"It all comes down to the fact you look in the mirror and are disgusted by what you see."

Another wave of tears.  Thanks.  Thanks a whole lot.

"That is what you have to deal with.  Your friends, best-friends, ex's, boyfriends, acquaintances, relatives, strangers, the entirety of the whole world, and God can all love you to pieces, but if you don't love yourself it will never be enough."

"How am I supposed to do that?  With all the regret, guilt, hurt, bitterness, and anger gnawing away at my soul.  All the things I've done to myself.  All my bad decisions." I challenge her as I finally meet her eyes.

"You're human.  What about your accomplishments?  Your loyalty?  Your love, compassion, patience, devotion, and passion?  You so easily look at the negatives.  You allow them to overwhelm you to exhaustion.  What would happen if at those lows on your roller coaster you focus on the ups?  The times when you could have flown to the moon and back with joy.  It's convenient those memories slip away so easily.

"Convenient?  How is that convenient?  I'm wallowing here!  I'd hardly call it convenient." So now we're yelling at each other.  Great.

"Convenient because it gives you an excuse to hate yourself.  You're allowed to feel sad and depressed!  It happens.  You don't have to add it to the list of what's wrong with you.  Shred that damn list!  You are more than a list of human inefficiencies.  Why can't you see that?!"

"You're an awful shrink!!!" I scream right back at her.

Silence.  

I blink a few times trying to rid the blurriness brought on by all the tears.  I focus on the figure in front of me.  She looks much less professional now.  Her hair is untidy and she's wearing the exact same thing as me.  Jeans and a t-shirt.  And she's been crying too.  

A loud knock on my door yanks my attention in the opposite direction.  "You okay in there?  I heard quite a bit of yelling."  On the other side of the door my roommate shouts worriedly.

"I'm fine." I call back as I look forward again.

"You sure?" she pushes open the door and I can hear her footsteps coming closer.

"Yeah.  I was just arguing with myself.  I'll be okay." 

I smile sadly at my reflection in the mirror.

"Better than okay." I whisper.