Shut the front door.

Today is one of those days I wish I could cuss openly on this blog of mine. I don't because the majority of my friends and family have issues with cursing. It's vulgar, unladylike, rude, distasteful blah blah blah etc etc etc. but sometimes there are literally no other words to explain the mounting frustrations and unending emotions I'm being plagued with. I don't want to aim it at anyone... And it's not even for anyone in particular (that's kind of a lie... Kind of).... It's just that cathartic feeling of typing a taboo word in all caps for everyone to see ... It's that same desire as getting into my car... Rolling down the windows and speeding down the highway as fast as I dare. And technically that's wayyy more reckless than a stupid word... But whatever. I get it, and I respect my family and friends enough not to do it. But boy do I want to.
Also, I appreciate your patience on days like these where I may or may not rip your head off while simultaneously sobbing and laughing...
AND I need a hug
AND something to get my mind off work... Something I've been wanting to do for a very long time. Here's hoping.

Positoovity

These are the best.

Viola: No man... if you wanna kiss her... You go right ahead and you kiss her! I mean, knock your self out! You just take her... then kiss her. Then kiss the crap out of her! 
-She's the Man-

Hercules: Aren't you... a damsel in distress? 
Meg: I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day. 
-Hercules-

Tantor: Are you sure this water's sanitary?  It looks questionable to me!
Tantor's Mom: It's fine hunny.
Tantor: But Mom! What about Bacteria?
-Tarzan-

Yzma: Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives Muahahahahahaha! I'll smash it with a hammer!
-Emperor's New Groove-

Baroness Rodmilla De Ghent: Darling, nothing is final 'til you're dead, and even then, I'm sure God negotiates.
-Ever After-

 I felt that my last few blog posts have been rather, how shall I put this, on the spitefully bitter side.  So in an effort to shake things up a bit I am going to try and be more positive in these musings.  Hence the funny and lovely quotes from some of my all time favorite movies to get the ball rolling.  Don't get me wrong... my life hasn't suddenly turned into rainbows and butterflies.  I still deal with the Dementor and now Umbridge... and Umbridge's cousin, we'll call her Milfred, on a daily basis.  I'm going to have to deal with the huge hole graduating has left in my soul once school starts up in a week.  I'm having issues sleeping.  And I'm still working on keeping my emotions in check because they're bloody ridiculous and stupid.  BUT in spite of all those things I am still focusing on the positives! Go me. 

Positive 1)  I'm back into my gym routine.  It's only been two weeks consecutively... but I'm fairly certain I'm making it a lasting habit this time.  I walk about three miles daily.  Some faster than others depending on my mood and which movie they're showing in the work out theatre (it really is the coolest part of the whole gym.  Giant movie screen in a dark room with workout equipment.  It's a little slice of heaven for movie buffs such as myself.  Not to mention I feel less self-conscious running in the dark.  Less wobbly bits to be seen).  Though I am proud of my progress... the other day a guy gets on next to me.. and busts out a 6 minute mile.  He's running at 9 mph like it's a jaunt through the park.  And all I could think was... that guy would be able to survive a zombie apocalypse.  I would not.

Positive 2)  I bought new shoes.  Which may seem unimportant.. however, they were on sale.  Originally $30.  I paid $9.  They're not exactly practical and I can't wear them to work, but they're very pretty.  Black patten leather pumps.  I like things on sale.  Of course then I went and bought a skirt that wasn't on sale... but I CAN wear it to work.  Yay!  This was at Target.  I went in to buy a windshield wiper.  

Positive 3)  I have to clean the entirety of my apartment Wednesday.  You may be wondering how this is a positive.  Well, first of all, while I am cleaning I get to listen to an audio book my coworker is letting me borrow.  It's the sequel to this amazing book called A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness.  I never mentioned reading it on here because it was during a stint when I read about 6 books in two weeks.  I was obsessed.  So now I get to clean while being entertained.  Secondly, it means people are visiting!!! My Nana and Papa are coming over this weekend.  I haven't seen them since graduation!  Yay for free food and not coming home to an empty lonely desolate house (I really need to buy a fish).

Positive 4)  School's starting again.  Why do I care about something I no longer pay a bazillion dollars to attend? Because Michael is coming back!!! Yay.  I get to see him this Wednesday night (that's tomorrow... ahhh).  Sure, it'll be helping him unpack his life into a tiny room on campus, but I get to actually spend time with my boyfriend.  It's quite exciting.  That's not sarcasm.  I'm for real excited.  (It also means Pointless is back.  And let's be honest... I missed them.  Beautiful music is so in my future.  I just hope they find some quality guys to replace the ones they lost this last year... fingers crossed.)  

Positive 5)  I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND WITH MY MOM IN TWO WEEKS. enough said.

Positive 6)  I have some of the BEST best friends in the whole world.  They know why they're amazingly awesome... but I'll share a few reasons with you.  They help me make complex wardrobe decisions.  They listen to me spew out enough word vomit to fill an NFL stadium.  They're honest with me.  They let me know when they're proud of me and give me words of encouragement and/or compliments.  They don't put up with my self-sabotaging BS.  They ask for and care about my opinion.  They trust me.  And most of all they love me for me.  I am beyond blessed.  Thank you.


I think that's enough positivity for one day.  I'm exhausted.  Until next time... you have one positive day!

Face palm.

Things you should probably work on as a human being:
-Stop coming into my store with some vague reference of what you want and expect me and my coworkers to be able to find it for you. Your pathetic description of, "I read about it in the newspaper/magazine," or "I saw it online," or "I heard about it on the radio" with an additional detail like, "it's new," or "it's by a woman," or "the cover is black and white" is not enough information to adequately point you in the right direction. We can do our best of course and quite often we do magically find that special book you decided you wanted on a whim, but I refuse to put up with your huffs of disappointment, impatience and anger when we can't find what you so poorly described. Do I look like a computer to you? I'm a sassy curvy and pretty 23 year old. Not a bloody robot.
- If someone in your apartment complex/building/neighborhood is being too loud at a time that is usually reserved for let's say, sleeping, and it's a first time offense be an adult about it and confront said people/person. Do not send in an anonymous complaint to whatever person is in authority- and especially do not be overly dramatic using phrases like, "with no end in site." Had you let me and my guests know that we were being obnoxiously loud we would have immediately stopped and would have apologized profusely. Instead you acted like a coward and placed your complaint anonymously. Grow up.
- When I say good morning to you and you respond with nothing, a nod, or a hey. You deserve to be slapped in the face. Two people, this morning alone, couldn't be bothered to reply to such a greeting in a normal/polite way... Or any way at all. I don't really care what the excuse is. Someone says good morning you say it back- even if it's a random stranger! Its just plain courteous and not all that difficult.
- If you insult/make disparaging remarks about my family, boyfriend, friends, or myself please assume that we're no longer talking until you apologize. And furthermore don't threaten me- I am a prolific writer and I will have no problem telling people my side of the story. So try and not be so rude next time.

Well that sums it up quite nicely I think. Have a wonderful day.

Confidence with a side of Mr. Darcy

I stand outside on my balcony glaring down at the party going on below.  Loud obnoxious I'm-not-too-sure-that's-even-real-Hawaiian music is playing in an attempt to set a beach type scene around the populated pool.  We live in sunny San Diego.  The beach is literally right outside our condo.  Why is there need for a luau inside our condo?  They look like they're having fun at least.  I can't say the same for me.  I should get up the courage and go down there.  I'd keep my comments about the music to myself of course, but maybe I'd make friends.  I can do with making some new friends.  I walk back inside and shut the door.  I'll check facebook first then I'll go down.

I never went down.

And yes.  I regret that decision.  I keep telling myself I'm 23 years old.  I'm an adult.  I can have real conversation with real people and make real friends outside of any school type setting.  It's a real possibility.  But then I begin to feel like I'm still only eighteen on the inside.  That's how I feel most of the time anyway.  Sure, I've graduated college and have a full time job with a position that actually gives me some authority and power (notice how I say 'some' haha).  But when it comes to experiencing life outside of work?  I'm still a scared adolescent.  I've refused to step out of my comfortable box and jump into the real world.  I'll watch a few of my more outgoing friends chat it up with complete strangers at restaurants or bars.  They'll flirt with waiters or whoever.  And then there's me.  Who seemingly forgets how to string a sentence of coherent words together when I face new people.
When I'm at work I'm fine.  I deal with new and random people every single day.  I don't forget how to speak and I'm mildly clever most of the time.  I've made the majority of my customers smile or laugh in the process of helping them out.  I know I have a killer personality (as self-absorbed as that may sound... I know it's true... and I'm pretty sure my family and friends will attest to it).  So why is it that I lock up this 'killer personality' when I'm out in public?  I come off as this shy quiet girl when I am anything but.  It's like my confidence disappears, or at the very least runs away to hide under a box in a corner.  Rude.  With all this said, I'm just adding it to the list of things I want to work on.  I need to be able to walk into a room with confidence!!  If people don't want to be be my friend or get to know me then that's their loss because I am a giant mess of awesome fun.  I just have to learn to give people an opportunity to make that choice.

In other news, I have found a new favorite song.  It's country.  Which I don't necessarily love, normally.  I have a few favorite artists like Carrie Underwood and Luke Bryan, but it's hardly the most played genre in my iTunes.  But my cousin, lovingly, shared this song with me only moments ago and I am now addicted.  It's absolutely beautiful and touching and just ugh... it is so stinking sweet.  Super great description I know, so here it is.  It's a lyric video.  A pretty awesome one at that.  But I am sure you can form your own opinions (enjoy):
Wanted by Hunter Hayes
So good right?  Just nod in agreement.  The chorus and ending bridge are my absolute favorite parts of the whole song.  You can totally listen to it again.  I give you permission.  I think I'm in a hopeless romantic phase/mood right now/lately.  First I watch Pride and Prejudice (the one with Kiera Knightley) at Lauren's house.  You may not find that odd... but I swear it was like we were watching it for the first time we were so into it.  Afterwards I felt super giddy and couldn't stop smiling.  Mr. Bingley? Swoon.  Mr. Darcy? Double Swoon.  It's just a great love story.  And now I'm listening to this song (seriously... I pushed play again).  I'll keep you updated on anymore hopelessly romantic symptoms I may exhibit.  It will be fun.  I assure you.  Especially as I try to exert more confidence into my daily life... All kinds of fun.

Inner Battles: a dialogue story

"Explain how you feel."

"Like poop.  Dog poop smeared on the bottom of some rich man's fancy shoe.  So I'm even extra poopy in comparison with the expensive shoe." I glare at the ceiling.  Why am I here?  

"You're not allowed to use similes.  They're counterproductive and allow you to hide behind sarcasm."

"They're counterproductive meh meh meh." I mumble under my breath.

"Try again." 

"Alright.  I feel... sad." Generic feelings.  Nothing personal.

"That's better.  Now expand on that."

"Expand?  I'm not a balloon."

"Indeed.  Balloons don't talk.  Nor do they feel.  Explain why you're sad."

"I'm sad because I'm unhappy." I smirk, slightly delighted with my response.  Bring on all the vagueness.

"And are you always unhappy?" 

"Of course not." I snap, "I have no right to be.  I'm blessed beyond belief.  If I was unhappy all the time I'd be an ungrateful whelp."

"So you're only an ungrateful whelp some of the time then?"

I sit up only slightly.  Just enough to glare daggers at her. "That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

I groan loudly.  This is so stupid.  "I think these feelings are dumb.  I have no reason to be sad.  No real reason to be unhappy."

"And yet you are." 

"Wow.  Thank you.  You are a world of help.  Really.  I'm glad we had this discussion." I stand up angrily.  I am so over this.

"Why?"

"Why what?" I turn on her and cross my arms over my chest.  I should have just ignored her and left.  But heaven forbid I be rude.

"Why do you think your feelings are dumb?  They're yours after all.  And by calling them dumb you are, in extension, calling yourself dumb."

"Listen, my feelings are a roller coaster..."

"I said no similes." She cuts me off abruptly.

"Well luckily that was a metaphor."

For the first time she frowns.  Hah, gotcha!

"Go on." she says slowly.  

I try not to sound too snide as I continue, "And the roller coaster is never the same.  I never know what to expect or what's going to trigger the next drop or barrel roll.  It just happens.  And when it does... I'm not the only one it affects."

"You're talking about your friends and family."

"Ding ding." I collapse back to the bed.  I guess I can stay a little while longer.

"So are you saying you're more worried about how your emotions affect others than they do yourself?" 

"No.  That's not what I'm saying.  My emotions affect me first and foremost.  They don't exactly make others curl into a ball and sob uncontrollably.  But they do cause collateral damage.  Damage that sometimes I'm afraid is irreversible." I add the last part on quietly... like if I say it softly enough she'd miss it.  She doesn't.

"Because you let your emotions control you... and you lose your temper?"

"Yes.  But it's more than just getting angry and losing my temper.  I feel everything.  All the good; all the bad.  I ride the roller coaster wherever it takes me.  I'm not the one driving."

"Why not?"

"Because it's a bloody roller coaster!  No one drives a roller coaster!  It wouldn't be a roller coaster if there was a driver now would it?  It be a car... or a bus!" I shout at her.  Way to keep my cool.  That's twice now.

"Fair enough.  Why has the roller coaster taken a dive recently?"

"What?" 

"You heard me." She says in a manner of fact kind of tone.  Now who's getting sassy?

"I don't know.  I guess I'm lonely.  I think."

"Lonely?  But you have friends... willing to hang out with you.  Willing to spend time with you.  And coworkers who enjoy your company.  You aren't unloved by any means and,"

"Exactly!  I know all those things.  And that's why these feelings are stupid.  I should be happy.  Content.  Satisfied.  But I'm not.  I'm angry I don't get to see my family more often.  Angry that when I do I'm pissy and standoffish.  And selfish.  Always selfish."

"Not always dear."  

"What would you know?  I lash out at the people I care about.  I drive them away because I don't think I'm worth ANYTHING!!!" I cry into my hands as the tears begin to fall.  Oh great.  Perfect.  She's got me crying now.

"You are.  You are worth so much.  And to think otherwise?  That is what's stupid.  Not your feelings.  Not the emotional roller coaster."  

I don't look at her.  I don't move.  What happened to her level headed no emotion approach?

"It all comes down to the fact you look in the mirror and are disgusted by what you see."

Another wave of tears.  Thanks.  Thanks a whole lot.

"That is what you have to deal with.  Your friends, best-friends, ex's, boyfriends, acquaintances, relatives, strangers, the entirety of the whole world, and God can all love you to pieces, but if you don't love yourself it will never be enough."

"How am I supposed to do that?  With all the regret, guilt, hurt, bitterness, and anger gnawing away at my soul.  All the things I've done to myself.  All my bad decisions." I challenge her as I finally meet her eyes.

"You're human.  What about your accomplishments?  Your loyalty?  Your love, compassion, patience, devotion, and passion?  You so easily look at the negatives.  You allow them to overwhelm you to exhaustion.  What would happen if at those lows on your roller coaster you focus on the ups?  The times when you could have flown to the moon and back with joy.  It's convenient those memories slip away so easily.

"Convenient?  How is that convenient?  I'm wallowing here!  I'd hardly call it convenient." So now we're yelling at each other.  Great.

"Convenient because it gives you an excuse to hate yourself.  You're allowed to feel sad and depressed!  It happens.  You don't have to add it to the list of what's wrong with you.  Shred that damn list!  You are more than a list of human inefficiencies.  Why can't you see that?!"

"You're an awful shrink!!!" I scream right back at her.

Silence.  

I blink a few times trying to rid the blurriness brought on by all the tears.  I focus on the figure in front of me.  She looks much less professional now.  Her hair is untidy and she's wearing the exact same thing as me.  Jeans and a t-shirt.  And she's been crying too.  

A loud knock on my door yanks my attention in the opposite direction.  "You okay in there?  I heard quite a bit of yelling."  On the other side of the door my roommate shouts worriedly.

"I'm fine." I call back as I look forward again.

"You sure?" she pushes open the door and I can hear her footsteps coming closer.

"Yeah.  I was just arguing with myself.  I'll be okay." 

I smile sadly at my reflection in the mirror.

"Better than okay." I whisper.