Dear Procrastination,

(404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

So I did not see the VMA's last night, but I did get online afterwards to see the highlights.

#1 new moon trailer: OMG seriously? Thank God for redemption, because twilight was not very good, but I have incredibly high hopes for this one. Plus Jacob is amazing. period. I would like to have his babies. and yes I know he is a fictional character, I was just saying.

#2 Kanye West vs Taylor Swift: as my TFLN quote implies... Kanye is a dick.

That's all I really paid attention to. Because I was kind of too captivated by the trailer to notice anything else. I know, I just admitted that, but what can I say? I am stoked. And onto a completely different topic...

School.

ugh.

HW that i ignored all weekend has come back to bite me in the butt. stupid stupid me. At least I get to go to six flags this Friday. And maybe disneyland? but that is still up in the air. Plus yet another birthday dinner. I swear it is a theme for this year. But on the bright side I got to write a little for my story that I have neglected for the past month, so at the very least I am happy about that. Yayness.

My Labor Day

(812): McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
(1-812): All of them

This morning I had to wake up early (and by early I mean 850, but for a holiday that is definitely early) because my roommate needed my expertise (and by expertise I mean I had a key) in getting into a building so she could record this guy play his music.  Cynthia has this radio show where she records herself interviewing some unknown musical talent and broadcasts it on Wednesdays 8pm on KPLR: The Tide (you should listen sometime).  So back to the story... we get inside the building and I listen to this guy play his four songs, and the entire time I wanted to fall asleep but couldn't because he was actually pretty good.  His voice sounded like Jamie Cullum.  And that was when I realized I haven't listened to Jamie Cullum in forever and a day.  So after they finished, I came back to my room and fell asleep listening to Jamie Cullum.

And then I woke up at 2:30.  Don't judge me, I like sleeping.  That and I totally have an iron deficiency so it's not completely my fault.  Cynthia and I then went to the kitchen to make breakfast/lunch/dinner.  Where we find this long line of ants traveling up the wall, across the ceiling, down the cupboard, over the counter top, and back up into the another cupboard.  It was kind of gross/creepy/disturbing.  All that said, we cooked our food, ate our food, and left.  

I listened to Jamie Cullum on my way to Borders.  Where I preceded to get lost.  I get lost in San Diego more then any other place in the world.  It's ridiculous.  I don't understand why I find it so confusing.  But I finally found Borders, and then spent two hours there.  I bought three books, one of which holds the One Act I will be directing for my directing class.  I just don't know which one yet.

I came home and cleaned (and by clean I mean sweep and swiffer the floor) my room.  And finally am listening to Jamie Cullum again.  I don't know why I think he's so amazing.  But he is.  Definitely. 

The rest of my weekend was pleasant.  I celebrated a birthday at Disneyland; I did not go to the beach like I planned; I ate coconut and strawberry jello; I did my laundry; I had a relaxing weekend.  It was very pleasant.  and then tomorrow comes and I am shoved back into reality.  sad day.

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see

my apology

First things first: If I offended anyone in my blog where I kind of blew up at the world (two blogs previous), I am sorry.  Whether it was because of the language I used (which has now been edited out) or because you attend point loma yourself and actually adore it (of course there could be other reasons too).  I just want to apologize.  

I want Monday to be like water under a bridge, long gone and never thought about again.  Except maybe in a case where I get rejected again, so that way I keep my temper next time.  And I don't hate point loma, I just want to punch it in the face sometimes.  Okay, a lot of times.  But the only thing I have control of is my own thoughts and actions.  Thus I am going to be just fine.  I will pick myself up and keep trying out.  Of course next time I won't spend all summer listening to the soundtrack of a musical I am trying out for.. not that it is a bad musical, but it just makes it harder to not be resentful now when I hear the songs.  Which makes me sad, because I liked those songs.  

And on a completely different subject I would just like to point out that my mom is the coolest and best mom in the entire universe.  And while we're on the subject of family, don't take them for granted.  Those Grandparents that annoy you about your grades or maybe your weight or your friends etc. will not be around forever.  Appreciate and love them while you can.  I don't want to ever regret not making time for them or any other family member.  So email them, or maybe give them a call, because you have no idea what the future has in store.  (and that goes for friends too!)

Taking deep breaths

(248): do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
(1-248): RUDE.
(248): I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
(1-248): outsmarted mickey deeeees

Okay so I will admit I kind of lost my temper last night. Not that I didn't mean most of it. I sure as hell am not happy here or anything. But certain people make it worth while. And the whole London thing looks like it might work out. So a tiny bit less angry today. Still angry though. and frustrated. But whatever, I just need to get over it. Be an adult about it. Obviously it isn't going to be as good without me. and I can guarantee that, I would have been fantastic. So their loss. Not mine. And now I get to be an assistant to the stage manager for Waiting for Godot. Which will get me practicum hours which is what I need to go to London. So maybe it was God's way of saying focus on school so you can go to London you twit. Because thinking I suck is so not fun. But i can still be angry. which I am. But at least I can focus on London. Maybe watch some Harry Potter to get me ready. :D

And because of London I am going to be directing my own One Act this year. And I will admit I am excited for such experience considering I don't get any other kind. coughactingcough. So I have to find my one act. Borders here I come. Actually Barnes and Noble is closer... but you know what I mean. AND there is a new book out that I want to read. Blood Promise. Fourth book in one of the series I am hooked on. I think that will help my mood. Unless of course she kills the main guy, I dont think that would help my mood much. We shall see.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a good future.

F this.

Honestly, 

I am just so sick and tired of trying and failing.  

I don't know why the hell I didn't stick with something practical like Math.  

I didn't get into Godot

nor did I get into I love you, you're perfect, now change.

And to top it all off my whole semester in London that I was rambling on about all excitedly in my last blog might not even happen because one of my professors probably thinks I am nothing and that I will barely graduate on time as it is let alone if i spend a semester abroad..

And you want the God honest truth?

I hate Point Loma.

I hate it.  

I keep thinking "it'll get better. you'll fit in more. you're getting the hang of things. people will give you a chance." blah blah blah.

I spend 35 grand a year to feel like crap.  All the time.. one big crap fest.  

I am angry, hurt, and depressed.

Angry more then anything else.  Just angry.

I was so excited to start this semester.  So so excited.

And it took exactly one week to make me wish I had never came back.

I can write all the positive uplifting blogs that I want, pretending I am hunky-dory.  But what's the point anymore?  I am done pretending.  I am just done.