Stupid people and Random smiles.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt.
Sometimes it doesn't feel that way though. I feel like people suck and thereby hurt/offend me accordingly. I've already had three instances today where I had to take a breath and tell myself to not let them ruin my day. Maybe they're having a bad morning... Or a bad week... And have no idea they're being rude/offensive. Of course I'd like to let them know exactly where they can stick their newly purchased book and presumptuous attitude... However, I refrain. Because I like my job.
But sometimes it's incredibly hard not to take personal offense when people are inconsiderate... Some people talk down to you, some ignore your comments/questions entirely and move right on to what they deem worthy to discuss, some are just plain snobby, and others well- others can choke on a hotdog.
With all this said I think I'm taking today all in stride. What happens happens and I have the power to let it ruin my day OR ignore it and move on. And luckily my emotional capacity is fairly level right now so I don't have to work as hard to stay calm and carry on (hahaha I hate that stupid phrase... But it's so true in this instance).
I've also just realized I'm in a whatever mood... The kind where I just don't give two heaping piles of dung about what people think about what I say on here. Take it to heart or ignore what I say completely... Your choice. Writing just helps me feel better. And now here is a list of other things that also make me feel better: I'm super excited for Lauren because she got a full time job at the Rep!!!! And I'm so proud of her. And my mom is coming to visit next weekend and I'm super stoked for that.... And I'm going to the Del Mar fair tomorrow... Lots of things I'm happy for and care very much about. The whatever mood is mainly for all the stupid people that unknowingly or sometimes purposefully piss me off. It's for people who fail to go out of their way for others. Rant #2 begins now.
Example: when I'm at a retail store and I mess up a stack of shirts... I usually fix it. It may not be the best fixing job but I try. I go out of my way for friends and coworkers too. I try and think of ways to make them smile... Whether it's bringing them random Starbucks or just sending them a text. I never thought these were weird actions. Until lately. Lately when people leave piles of books randomly throughout the store on an hourly basis. Or friends who forget I exist for large chunks of time.
I just don't understand how hard it is to try and think of others before yourself... Or at the very least treat others how you'd like to be treated!!! I know I don't do this all the time... I'm far from perfect. But I try really really hard to show I care. And it's getting annoying realizing I'm a minority in this way of thinking.
Now that I've said all that... I'm in a much better mood. Work is still going by painfully slow, and I have a coworker who I swear is a Dementor but besides that I'm better. Especially because a) I'm going to work out after work and I'm super excited. Haven't swam almost all week and I miss it. b) (and this may be silly of me) I've been with Michael for two months as of today. And I know for some people that's not a big deal and who cares... But it just makes me happy. And he still makes me happy.
Also I look cute and professional today... Which normally I wouldn't mention because I don't do that sort of thing (still in the whatever mood apparently lol) and that also makes me happy. So after this odd post of frustrations and random smiles I leave you with this: do something for someone else today that you normally wouldn't do. It can be as small as you like... And they may not even notice. But I promise it'll make you feel great.

Confession: I have a Journal obsession...

I may have a tiny problem. I love writing... As if you couldn't tell. That's not my problem. My obsession with journals might be. I'm sure I own at least fifteen... If not more if I'm being completely honest- they're all different and I love each one- And if they were all full of my charming witticisms and anecdotes then there wouldn't be a problem at all... However, I have never completed a single one. I've started about five... And the rest are just plain ole empty. Now, I do have one journal that I've made a huge dent in and I'm proud. But I may or may not be buying two more today... Wait! Before you judge me too harshly... Let me explain. These two journals are super cool and hilarious!!! And I haven't even written in them yet! Also, I always buy journals knowing that some day (even if it's thirty some years from now) I will get to writing in it- it's a fail proof plan. And I never pay full price... It's employee appreciation week at my work and I get an extra percentage off because of this... Which means super savings!!!! So with all that said- I accept the fact I may have an issue- but I'm still buying the journals.

The change up- not the movie.

This is my goal for today's musings: keep it short and simple. And now here is my attempt at such a thing.
The other night I decided to go Back in time. What I mean to say is I started at the beginning of my blogdom and began to read through all my old thoughts. A few posts were quite insightful... And others just made me laugh. It's good to know I have always been (at least from the point I started blogging) quite dramatic. But honestly I don't mind, I'd be much less entertaining if I didn't lose my cool or exaggerate like I do.
And then A few made me upset. Upset with myself. I mean don't get me wrong I've turned out pretty good I think, with awesome friends, one amazing boyfriend, and the best loving family a girl could ask for. But those posts just reminded me of how utterly blind I was. Or how naive I was. Whichever.
I've been blessed with this fabulous life and I almost threw it all away. Not in like a life or death sense. But in a manner of making all the wrong decisions- and at that point in time thinking they were actually good decisions. Of course, my choices and experiences have helped shaped me into who I am today. And yes, I am grateful for that, but I'm still pissed that I was so bloody stupid as a teenager and then that even overflowed into my twenties.
I've watched as people around me have changed drastically in the last five years or so thinking that I haven't REALLY change THAT much, but I totally have. I mean I'm still me, with all my emotions and dramatic episodes, and Im totally still capable of being a complete dunce, but I think I've managed to grow up quite a bit and that makes me absolutely thrilled. Especially since this whole graduated thing is a brand new ball game.
And I'm here to hit some home runs/make some touchdowns/[insert any other cheesy sport reference here]

And one more thing before I go that has nothing to do with the above topic... Well two things:
1) I need to make a summer reading list. I will mention it from time to time and review the books on here. Kind of like I did last summer but hopefully with more conviction and gusto seeing as I only finished three books last time. Ha ha. Anyone have any good books they feel like suggesting? [do not say fifty shades of grey... I will slap you]
2) I need to write more. Not on here- geesh- ya'll would want to start slapping me- Im actually talking about my stories. I keep making up excuses- like writers block, but since I haven't actually sat down and even tried to start I think it's safe to say I'm just slacking.
So yes, read and write more! Perfect!

Kind of short ? Pretty simple?
Mission accomplished...ish. ;)

Gone around the Bend?

I am beginning to recognize that I may be partially insane. Okay well not literally, but the range and speed of my mood swings are absolutely and completely ridiculous. As I'm sure most of you have seen first hand. It's something I've kind of brushed off as being emotional or just being a girl... Explanations that seem to work for everyone else. With that said I'm thinking they work less for me.
My mother is at the end of most of my random emotional outbursts, whether they're good bad or otherwise. And because she's my mother she loves me anyways. It's kind of her job. But there is no guarantee when it comes to anyone else. Sure it's a quirk I've just had since most of you have known me- but let me get this out in the open... It's not fun. I honestly get so overwhelmed by emotions that I feel like I'm going to vomit or pull my hair out (and in some instances run around waving my hands in the air or jumping up and down continuously- its not always bad emotions... But whatever I'm feeling - it takes over all of me) My dad asks me why I'm stressed all the time... I think it's because I never really know how I'm going to react to my day. I don't know if I'll be cool calm and collected Charity... Or overly dramatic worrisome Charity... Or, my favorite, crazy control freak Charity. Today I'm doing good. I should be stressed considering the amount of projects I have to do at work, the fact someone called out so I have to cover the cash wrap on top of all my projects, I have to drive to my cousins graduation immediately after work- after I stop by and pick up something for my mom at a store, and eat at some point. Definitely sounds like a stressful day... And yet here I am... Perfectly okay. Which I'm grateful for don't get me wrong... But yesterday was an easy going day and I was walking around like I had this huge chip on my shoulder. And I got super mean towards the end of the day... It honestly doesn't make any sense to me. One of my friends suggests I go to the doctor.. Get on birth control so it can regulate my hormones or something... And maybe I should. But I absolutely loathe the fact that I can't control my emotions and would need pills just to be normal. I should be able to control my emotions just like every other person. And maybe I just don't try hard enough. I shouldn't have to talk myself down every time someone says something that hurts or makes me angry... I want to be able to shrug it off . I want to care less. Because then maybe I'd feel less stupid and be much less vulnerable. But alas this is something I deal with everyday. And again, Im grateful for my friends and family who love me in spite of it all. I think I've repeated that last sentence at least four times in a few of my previous blogs. It just means I'm super insecure about it all and everyone's patience helps more than anyone realizes. And I will say I'm trying really really hard to stay in control and not fly off the handle... For any reason (rational or irrational).
If I can lose as much weight as I have I know I can get a handle on all this emotional upheaval going on inside me... It's just going to take awhile and that scares me.
Well, we'll see what happens. The three things that always seem to help no matter what is working out, listening to random worship music, or speeding with the windows down and the music blaring (this one I do less because I don't have the money to pay for speeding tickets- and because it's slightly reckless- which some people frown upon). So at the very least I've got those things going for me.
Haha. I guess the main reason why I'm saying all this is because I'm a handful... I know it sure, but not everyone else does. And it's just fair for me to throw it all out there. Give a heads up and what not. That's what blogs are for right? Because again, I'd never actually be able to verbally communicate all this.
:D until next time (which will probably be full of unicorns and rainbows seeing as my entries seem to flip flop between upset/frustrated and joyful/happy... Haha)

Skipping Around Like a Child

Happpppy happy joy joy. I don't know if it's because it is the start of a new week, or I had an awesome conversation last night, or because I feel pretty today, or just because of no reason whatsoever but I am in a wonderfully good mood!!!
I'm even at work right now (well, on my break at work...) and I'm practically skipping around the kids section doing my projects and helping customers as happy as a kid stuck in a candy store.
It's euphoric really.
But I am working with a new guy... Well he's not new new ... He's a transfer. But today is the first time I get to work with him. He has a British type accent. And usually I could listen to a British guy talk for hours about absolutely anything ... Including the migratory patterns of carp... But this guy ... Not so much. Maybe it's because when he calls me over the loud speaker it sounds like I'm a maid in his castle being summoned to clean up cat vomit or something... I blame my imagination. He might be a fine guy... Who knows... But my imagination has already decided that he is pretentious. Who am I to argue with my imagination on such matters?
I get to spend the evening with my best friend Lauren after I go swimming at the gym! I'm super excited for this as well. Let me explain a few things about Lauren. She's married which means I have to share her with her husband... And luckily he's a pretty swell guy and I like him Alot. But what I love about her is that we can talk about simply anything. (don't get me wrong I have other great friends I can also talk to and so on, but half the time I don't even have to explain why I've said something and she gets it) And! She has stuck with me through thick and thin. And I just want her to know... And all of blogging kingdom to know... That I am incredibly grateful for her and her friendship. She keeps me sane most of the time... Especially on days where I just want to stab the world in the jugular. So I think everyone should be a tad thankful for her too, or more than a tad... Your choice Lol.
And since I'm on the subject of great awesome people... I'd also like to say how thankful I am for Michael (the boyfriend... In case you forgot or something). He's great. And I know I can be a bit much to handle... But he does wonderfully and I don't think I've smiled this often in years. I also miss him terribly because he's currently 8 hours away from me and I kind of just want to hug him all the time as well as hold his hand and hang out at Denny's with Alyssa or just get coffee (well he gets coffee I get tea). But alas neither of us have the power to teleport so I have to wait until August. Patience is a virtue. One I get to really enjoy. But my point is I am happy. And he's been a huge part of that. And I wanted everyone to know.
Well poop. I have to get back to working! Skipping and singing and not hitting the new guy with a heavy book... ;) Hope your day is going at least half as swimmingly as mine. Until next time!!!!

Hulk-sized opinions coming your way

I enjoy twitter.  It's a fun social media site that keeps us updated with our friends/fave celebrities/random yet interesting people's daily musings.  I have grown quite fond of it.  And I know it can get annoying when people have twitter conversations that you're not included in and yet you can read all about anyway... And you know you will because you're nosy and that's what one does on twitter.  It's part of the game.  What should be banned from the game is attention seeking comments that are obviously out to get attention but yet are too bloody vague to really mean anything to anyone.  In fact I'm just going to switch it all up on you and start talking about the implications of being vague.  Vagueness allows others to assume.  Assume assume assume.  Is he talking about me?  Did I upset her?  Could that be what he's talking about? <- If I can think any of those kinds of thoughts... you're being vague.  And yeah sure, people should refrain from assuming.  Like I've blogged about before.  But when you're blatantly vague... let me get this clear... you suck.  Grow some balls and say what you are thinking.  Or just don't say it at all.  Keep it to yourself and stop seeking attention.  It's annoying.  (And I'll admit.. I've done it.  Most of us have.  And it happens... just don't let it happen all the bloody time- and especially not on twitter.  Thanks)

As you can tell, my mood isn't the brightest today.  I'm not angry or sad or whatever.  And no one's done anything to really upset me.  I've just been in a funk.  But it's not like I'm miserable.  It's a different kind of mood.  One I rarely have.  I'm sure I'll be fine by tomorrow... maybe.  I guess I'm just over people's BS today.  Why should I care if you don't kind of thing you know?  Tomorrow I'll care.. it's what always happens... but today... well, it's simply... what.ever.

And since I'm in a whatever kind of mood... I'm going to talk about something I never talk about.  My weight.  I've been fat.. well, for forever.  It's why I have low self-esteem and why I made some absolute stellar choices growing up.  Choices and decisions I can never take back all because I hated what I looked like and ultimately who I was.  So I bring this up not to depress anyone.  It's whatever-time remember?  I actually have pretty awesome news.  So my weight has fluctuated over the last nine years.  I've been up, down, in-between you name it.  But back in 2011 I hit my largest weight ever... just a tad bigger than what I was back in 2007 when I graduated High School.  And again, usually I wouldn't throw out numbers but what the hey... it's whatever day... 220lbs.  And since I'm only 5'4" well... it was ridiculous.  So with the help of my best friends I started losing weight.  Slowly at first.  Cynthia joined a gym and in all honesty that was the first thing that really got me motivated... so I joined the gym too.  And then in February I came up with a genius plan to have a weight loss competition with some friends and family members.  I figured it would give us motivation because the winner would get a prize at the end, and we'd lose weight, and I love competition; so it was a great plan.  Turns out that we never really finalized the winner or even figured out exactly what size everyone ended up as at the end of it... but as for me?  Well... since last June when I was a small cow... I've lost 47 pounds.  That's almost more than you're allowed to take on an airplane flight.  

If I wasn't in this mood.. I wouldn't be writing this.  Because usually I am annoyed by people who talk about their weight loss and the journey and their struggle... blah blah blah... but I'm probably annoyed because I'm always too chicken to talk about mine.  Or I think it's a private matter.  But let's be honest... you all see me.  You know what I look like and what I did look like.  So who cares... now I'm bringing it up.  I'm not done by any means because I'm still not exactly healthy.  I'd like to actually be able to get away were someone pursuing me on foot you know?  I don't have a goal weight... I just want to a) feel healthy and b) look good in a two piece swimsuit (ie bikini)- not a superficial dream whatsoever... 

I actually tried one on yesterday at target (never before in my life have I taken a bikini inside a dressing room... never).  Surprisingly it didn't look awful...  But I realized that even if I get to the point where I think I look good in one... there's no way I'd ever feel comfortable in one... I might as well have been wearing a bra and underwear.  That's what a bikini is! And I don't know about you.. but I don't ever plan on feeling comfortable walking around on the beach in my underwear.  I just thought it was really funny.  Good to know losing weight hasn't lessened my modesty any.  

Also, I'd just like to add that I hate the fact I can write a bazillion times better than I can talk.  I'm not saying my writing style/grammar is perfect by any means.  But had I tried to say any of the above out loud... I would have stuttered mumbled and have said 'ummm' at least forty-five times.  And giggled randomly as well I'm sure.  I wish I could just say what is on my mind.  But I don't because I can never find the right words.  Like trying to explain to my boyfriend how I feel about something that's been on my mind?  Nearly impossible for me.  And when I do it's usually because my emotions have taken over and I turn into a crazy bat lady and can't control myself.  My best friends?  Well... it's getting better... but any time the conversation is about something uncomfortable or awkward.. I clam up.  I go back to stuttering and not knowing how to say what I want.  Family... well... I'm pretty good with them now... I've had twenty three years to get over whatever problems my brain has with speaking when it comes to them.  They're actually the only ones I can actually talk to freely without having a maze to climb through before I get to my point.  It's just sucky is all.  

One more thing and then I'm done (if you're even still reading this... haha.  Longest blog ever right?  But I don't care because it's whatever).  I'd like to know if it's wrong for me to expect the people I love and care for to open up to me.  I'm not asking for deep dark secrets you know?  I'm just asking for things deeper than 'how was your day' and 'what did you eat for dinner?'  I mean how are relationships supposed to grow or even be maintained without a little curiosity and willingness to share?  This part is mainly for my brother, but totally applies to some others... (Vagueness suckssssss.  And I'm only doing it because I'm too chicken to call you out in person.............. so who knows who I'm referring to... ahhhhh).  I can't force you to have a conversation with me you know?  There's so much more going on than the daily rustics of life. I mean I love talking about movies and other fun things...but I can handle deep stuff too.  I'm a big girl (haha- literally).  I like hearing about it all.  But I hate feeling like I'm pushing.  I'm hoping it'll just happen in time.  You'll feel comfortable talking to me whenever about whatever.. but until then I'll still be here... as bothersome as ever. :D  

Alright.  I think I'm finally done.  Good game guys.  Good game.  High-fives all around.

Snow White and the Huntsman- my opinion

Yes, it is 3 am in the morning. Yes, I have work at 9 for 8.5 hours. Yes, I am choosing to do a blog review instead of sleep.
I am doing this because I am baffled by how much I disliked the latest movie I saw (at midnight).  I was having a really good streak too. Avengers, Avengers (again), Battleship, MIB.  All very good movies.  Ones I highly suggest you go out and see.  Snow White and the Huntsman?  Do not go see.  Trust me when I say you should save your money (if you can movie hop into it then by all means waste three hours of your life... have at it).  Let me explain my reasoning:
1) I am enthralled by movies.  I get wrapped all up and in movies to the point I totally forget I'm sitting in a movie theatre with a bunch of strangers.  (I do it with books and tv shows too... so don't judge me too harshly... I can allow reality to melt away.  It's honestly really neat ... but anyway.. back to the subject at hand) In this movie I was able to plan my schedule for tomorrow (which included picking my outfit for work), have a mini debate with myself (inside my head obviously), and count my calories for the day all while repeating the words, "I am so bored." over and over again in the background.  What I'm trying to get at is that it's incredibly slow.  Too slow.  Had it been a book I would have been skipping chapters left and right in order to get to the end to see what happens.  But I couldn't do that because it was a movie.  So I had to sit... and wait... and wait.
2) I've never been a huge fan of Snow White but the trailer for this movie looked wicked and totally pulled me in.  It had an overall stellar cast with some pretty famous people including Chris Hemsworth (Thor!!!!!).  Which means the acting was mighty fine.  And for those of you who like Kristin Stewart ... she's in it.  And for those of you who don't... she barely talks.  The cinematography was definitely epic.  Reminded me of Narnia and Lord of the Rings smashed together.  The soundtrack was also exhilarating and pretty likable.  All good things yes?  But what about the plot?  The meat to this otherwise delectable sandwich.  And here is my answer: it was poop.  Poop on a stick.  I already told you how absolutely bored I was.  But I was also staring at the screen trying to figure out where they're trying to go with all this.  Even now as I think back I seriously don't understand.  So many holes and unanswered questions!  And that ending?  Maybe they'll make a sequel.  (bahahahahaha)
3) I'm just restating how bored I was.  Bored bored bored.
Alright I'm done reviewing/complaining.  But I had to warn you all not to go see it.  I mean you still can....... hahaha.