Hulk-sized opinions coming your way

I enjoy twitter.  It's a fun social media site that keeps us updated with our friends/fave celebrities/random yet interesting people's daily musings.  I have grown quite fond of it.  And I know it can get annoying when people have twitter conversations that you're not included in and yet you can read all about anyway... And you know you will because you're nosy and that's what one does on twitter.  It's part of the game.  What should be banned from the game is attention seeking comments that are obviously out to get attention but yet are too bloody vague to really mean anything to anyone.  In fact I'm just going to switch it all up on you and start talking about the implications of being vague.  Vagueness allows others to assume.  Assume assume assume.  Is he talking about me?  Did I upset her?  Could that be what he's talking about? <- If I can think any of those kinds of thoughts... you're being vague.  And yeah sure, people should refrain from assuming.  Like I've blogged about before.  But when you're blatantly vague... let me get this clear... you suck.  Grow some balls and say what you are thinking.  Or just don't say it at all.  Keep it to yourself and stop seeking attention.  It's annoying.  (And I'll admit.. I've done it.  Most of us have.  And it happens... just don't let it happen all the bloody time- and especially not on twitter.  Thanks)

As you can tell, my mood isn't the brightest today.  I'm not angry or sad or whatever.  And no one's done anything to really upset me.  I've just been in a funk.  But it's not like I'm miserable.  It's a different kind of mood.  One I rarely have.  I'm sure I'll be fine by tomorrow... maybe.  I guess I'm just over people's BS today.  Why should I care if you don't kind of thing you know?  Tomorrow I'll care.. it's what always happens... but today... well, it's simply... what.ever.

And since I'm in a whatever kind of mood... I'm going to talk about something I never talk about.  My weight.  I've been fat.. well, for forever.  It's why I have low self-esteem and why I made some absolute stellar choices growing up.  Choices and decisions I can never take back all because I hated what I looked like and ultimately who I was.  So I bring this up not to depress anyone.  It's whatever-time remember?  I actually have pretty awesome news.  So my weight has fluctuated over the last nine years.  I've been up, down, in-between you name it.  But back in 2011 I hit my largest weight ever... just a tad bigger than what I was back in 2007 when I graduated High School.  And again, usually I wouldn't throw out numbers but what the hey... it's whatever day... 220lbs.  And since I'm only 5'4" well... it was ridiculous.  So with the help of my best friends I started losing weight.  Slowly at first.  Cynthia joined a gym and in all honesty that was the first thing that really got me motivated... so I joined the gym too.  And then in February I came up with a genius plan to have a weight loss competition with some friends and family members.  I figured it would give us motivation because the winner would get a prize at the end, and we'd lose weight, and I love competition; so it was a great plan.  Turns out that we never really finalized the winner or even figured out exactly what size everyone ended up as at the end of it... but as for me?  Well... since last June when I was a small cow... I've lost 47 pounds.  That's almost more than you're allowed to take on an airplane flight.  

If I wasn't in this mood.. I wouldn't be writing this.  Because usually I am annoyed by people who talk about their weight loss and the journey and their struggle... blah blah blah... but I'm probably annoyed because I'm always too chicken to talk about mine.  Or I think it's a private matter.  But let's be honest... you all see me.  You know what I look like and what I did look like.  So who cares... now I'm bringing it up.  I'm not done by any means because I'm still not exactly healthy.  I'd like to actually be able to get away were someone pursuing me on foot you know?  I don't have a goal weight... I just want to a) feel healthy and b) look good in a two piece swimsuit (ie bikini)- not a superficial dream whatsoever... 

I actually tried one on yesterday at target (never before in my life have I taken a bikini inside a dressing room... never).  Surprisingly it didn't look awful...  But I realized that even if I get to the point where I think I look good in one... there's no way I'd ever feel comfortable in one... I might as well have been wearing a bra and underwear.  That's what a bikini is! And I don't know about you.. but I don't ever plan on feeling comfortable walking around on the beach in my underwear.  I just thought it was really funny.  Good to know losing weight hasn't lessened my modesty any.  

Also, I'd just like to add that I hate the fact I can write a bazillion times better than I can talk.  I'm not saying my writing style/grammar is perfect by any means.  But had I tried to say any of the above out loud... I would have stuttered mumbled and have said 'ummm' at least forty-five times.  And giggled randomly as well I'm sure.  I wish I could just say what is on my mind.  But I don't because I can never find the right words.  Like trying to explain to my boyfriend how I feel about something that's been on my mind?  Nearly impossible for me.  And when I do it's usually because my emotions have taken over and I turn into a crazy bat lady and can't control myself.  My best friends?  Well... it's getting better... but any time the conversation is about something uncomfortable or awkward.. I clam up.  I go back to stuttering and not knowing how to say what I want.  Family... well... I'm pretty good with them now... I've had twenty three years to get over whatever problems my brain has with speaking when it comes to them.  They're actually the only ones I can actually talk to freely without having a maze to climb through before I get to my point.  It's just sucky is all.  

One more thing and then I'm done (if you're even still reading this... haha.  Longest blog ever right?  But I don't care because it's whatever).  I'd like to know if it's wrong for me to expect the people I love and care for to open up to me.  I'm not asking for deep dark secrets you know?  I'm just asking for things deeper than 'how was your day' and 'what did you eat for dinner?'  I mean how are relationships supposed to grow or even be maintained without a little curiosity and willingness to share?  This part is mainly for my brother, but totally applies to some others... (Vagueness suckssssss.  And I'm only doing it because I'm too chicken to call you out in person.............. so who knows who I'm referring to... ahhhhh).  I can't force you to have a conversation with me you know?  There's so much more going on than the daily rustics of life. I mean I love talking about movies and other fun things...but I can handle deep stuff too.  I'm a big girl (haha- literally).  I like hearing about it all.  But I hate feeling like I'm pushing.  I'm hoping it'll just happen in time.  You'll feel comfortable talking to me whenever about whatever.. but until then I'll still be here... as bothersome as ever. :D  

Alright.  I think I'm finally done.  Good game guys.  Good game.  High-fives all around.