F this.

Honestly, 

I am just so sick and tired of trying and failing.  

I don't know why the hell I didn't stick with something practical like Math.  

I didn't get into Godot

nor did I get into I love you, you're perfect, now change.

And to top it all off my whole semester in London that I was rambling on about all excitedly in my last blog might not even happen because one of my professors probably thinks I am nothing and that I will barely graduate on time as it is let alone if i spend a semester abroad..

And you want the God honest truth?

I hate Point Loma.

I hate it.  

I keep thinking "it'll get better. you'll fit in more. you're getting the hang of things. people will give you a chance." blah blah blah.

I spend 35 grand a year to feel like crap.  All the time.. one big crap fest.  

I am angry, hurt, and depressed.

Angry more then anything else.  Just angry.

I was so excited to start this semester.  So so excited.

And it took exactly one week to make me wish I had never came back.

I can write all the positive uplifting blogs that I want, pretending I am hunky-dory.  But what's the point anymore?  I am done pretending.  I am just done.  

A different red, white, and blue

(315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and having sword fights. I think I'm in love

I want to build forts and have sword fights too!!! I don't think my roommates would like that though. Sad day. :( But on a brighter note I am super excited about today. Because today is the day I figure out if I will be able to go to London with the Theater/Com majors next Fall semester. Yes, you read correctly: LONDON!!!! Like "All Hail the Queen" London!!! The whole idea was shoved onto me yesterday. Not that I am complaining, because as of right now I am ecstatic. I have wanted to study abroad since high school, and I don't know why I gave up on going. So now I have given up on giving up studying abroad. In other words, I really really want to go.

All be it, it will be my senior year, and I will have spent my official last fall semester in college over in Europe but I can't imagine that being very bad in the long run. It even sounds kind of cool. Don't get me wrong I am petrified. Completely scared out of my mind, but I have a longing to do this. I want to do this. So I have a meeting with one of my amazing Theater professors in about fifteen minutes to see if this whole London thing can work out.

Side note: I find out the cast for waiting for godot today, and then if I don't make it (which if i do, I will be shocked) I have tryouts for I love you, you're perfect, now change at 7:40. AHHHHHHH. Busy exciting day ahead of me.

1 John 4:7

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

Bonfires & To-do lists

(559): Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

I slept in until 1 pm today.  I don't know if I should be proud or appalled.  And I didn't even stay up that late, like 2 am... Then I took approximately three hours getting ready.  Like I said.. proud or appalled.  Cant decide.

Goodwin bonfire tonight. It was pretty fun. (minus the gross bonfire after smell that clings to your body and clothes and hair etc.)  If you live in Goodwin and didn't go you totally missed out.  Never have I ever + smores is probably one of the best ideas ever.   And then getting to hang out with new friends afterwards?? Amazing!!!  Which then led to this gummy bear youtube video.. had me practically rolling on the floor it was soooo funny.  

And then my roommate and I (Cynthia, she's one of the rare people I actually mention here) got into one of our famous talks.  And once again it was practically prophetic.  Okay so that's not the right word, but it sounds cool right? haha.  Seriously though, the talk was absolutely amazing, and I have officially started a Junior year To-do list because of it (she's big on lists and it kind of rubs off on you after awhile).  If I can push through it and do my best to check everything off I will be a better person by the end of this school year, hands down.  And I am so excited.  Say good-bye to bitter angry Charity, because she is so not sticking around.

PS since I start off every one of my blogs with a funny quote from textsfromlastnight I am also going to start ending every one of my blogs with a bible verse.  Which may seem kind of conflicting, but remember I have done none of these things I quote from TFLN, I just think they are funny and I like to share them with you all.  Where as the bible verse is actually something I try to live by.  And tonight I shall end with one of my favorites. enjoy.

Hebrews 12:1 & 2

Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. 

Dreams say what?

(847): And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
(1-847): I should injure you considerably.

First and foremost... I got callbacks!!!  Sure everyone got them, but that includes me!  So I am excited that I didn't suck :D  I feel like I should read up on Waiting for Godot just so I know kind of what to expect in two hours.  But whatever happens my goal is to have fun and do my best.  

First day having no classes and I have to say it's fantastic.  I can't wait for every Friday!  I love being a theater major.

Now to explain the title of this blog... Two nights in a row now I have had extremely odd dreams with people I know in them (that are not family) and it rarely happens so I think that is why I remember them so vividly.  The night before last it was a funny dream and not too weird so I didn't think anything of it.  But then last night I had another dream with someone I know, and this time it was weird, and could never ever ever happen (not that most of my dreams happen, but still...).  So all I am really saying is that my imagination needs to step it down a notch please, because honestly I do not need certain images in my head, ever.  Maybe it's all the cheese I've been eating.  Could that have an effect on my dream state?  hmm.. curious.  

PS I kind of would like to shoot the PLNU-guest wifi in the face.  If it had a face.  

what i do during work

(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Auditions for Waiting for Godot today!
Do I think I will get in? No. Do I want to get in? Maybe? Would I prefer to get into the musical I love you, You're perfect, Now change? Yes.
>.<
Delimma
On a side note, I had my three hour apparel construction class yesterday. I was so bored. So so so bored. First day of class youd think we'd go over the syllabus and ta-dah we're done. Oh no, she used the full three hours to talk. and talk. I do get to make things in there though, which mind you im totally terrified of a) gouging my fingers with numerous needles and bleeding to death and b) everything I try and make sucking horribly. I think I will enjoy it once we start doing hands on stuff. But until then.. I'm in boredomville.

I have tennis next. Yay for hitting balls around. :D And talking to random guys who come to visit my boss. Apparently I am missing out on the coolest thing since sliced bread. ie the iphone... ahhh now im late for class. $h!t.

Ups & Downs

(989): News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
(1-989): Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.

2nd day of school had some major ups and downs.
Some ups:
- I heart tennis. That is unless I find out I suck at it, and then it will no longer be in the "ups" category or hearted for that matter
- Rhetorical Theories is interesting, and did not put me to sleep like I had previously thought it would (and I take back my douche bag comment in previous blog.. he's not that bad)
- Creative Writing. We made telephone poems. I am not going to explain what that is. Use your imagination, but I will say it was fantastic.
- My LIT202 professor uses Hannah Montana hand sanatizer

Some downs:
- Rehetorical Theories might be the hardest class I have ever taken. Note the twenty page paper that will be due by the end of the semester.
- A boy in my LIT202 class decided to be incredibly ignorant and I had difficulty keeping myself from throwing one of my books at his head.. I still think I should have.
- I HAVE NO MORE MONEY TO BUY ANY MORE BOOKS!!!! thank you.

Beyond all that I have some homework I need to get started on that way I do not have heap loads to do tomorrow. At least I only have one class tomorrow. I get to learn how to sew!!! Yes, I am getting ready to be the perfect housewife. Don't judge me. I will admit I still need to brush up on my cooking skills though. I'll just practice more, and if I burn down the goodwin kitchen... all in the name of love.

Dear PLNU, I'm Back.

(713): I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
(832): I wanted to see November 5, 1985

Back to the Future reference anyone? hehe. So I am sitting here at my little desk at work wondering what I should be doing in order be productive.. because honestly I have no clue.. When I have a job all I want to know is what needs to be done and I'll do it, so when I dont know what needs to be done.. I do things like blog and facebook and more importantly read textsfromlastnight.com I guess I could be doing that homework I already got assigned by two teachers even though I have yet to have a single class. Some teachers just suck. Some teachers should move to Siberia and never come back. I feel like I have the latter type this year.

And update on my audition song: I think I am choosing Nothing (from A Chorus Line). Because I already have the music, I already know the music and thus will have less of a chance of forgetting the words. It happens more then I'd like to admit, so I think this song is my best bet. By the way and completely off topic I had a horrible nights sleep last night and then woke up this morning not being able to turn my head to the right without some pretty serious pain. Very frustrating, because I will forget and go to look over my shoulder for whatever reason and bam pain. geesh. And one more thing... I am taking a class called rhetorical theories and models and the teacher sends us this email all excited about his super wonderful class and asks us to think about all the rhetorical models we had over the summer and blah blah blah. Here's a funny little thing about that... I HAVE NO IDEA WTF A RHETORICAL THEORY IS!!!!! Like I think I understand the gist of it.. but to actually have an example of one from my non-productive summer? It's quite laughable. (he was also one of the teachers that gave me hw mind you.. AND forwarned us that most likely we'll be getting a C in his class even if we try our best. Way to make us like you even more.. douche bag.)

My foot is Numb.

(803): have you facebook stalked him yet?
(1-803): No, I don’t know his last name...
(803): Just google his license plate number

School starts tomorrow.  And I am excited.  Not as excited for the chapel I have to attend, but I'll get over that eventually.  I have officially moved into my room with my two roommates.  And even took a little bike ride this morning.  Vanessa and I had planned to ride down to OB... but that meant coming back up this street called Hill Street.  and it is more like a giant mountain.  So we opted for riding around the point loma streets for 3o minutes.  We are planning on building up our stamina so one day we may conquer Hill Street.  Good plan right? I think so.

I am hoping that I will be able to start writing again soon, because for some reason I haven't been able to dip into my imagination for over a week now.. and it is effecting me :(  I think I may just be stressed.  Worried.  Stuff like that.  Because even though I am excited, I am also incredibly nervous and anxious for this school year.  Try outs for I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change have been moved up a whole week.  And I still don't know what song I am going to use for auditions.  But I guess on the bright side I am now the Communications Director for the MTC (musical theater club).  Yay me. :)  On that note I am going to go shower and experience the rest of this day to the best of my ability.  

PS I dislike my hair less and less every day!

Undecided..

(612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

So today.. not very great.  I let my friend (who had cut my hair previously and it was totally cute and pretty) "trim" off some more hair in order to make my layers a tad shorter.. well yeah.. a tad is not really the word id use.  chop. yeah that's the word i'd use.  So after crying profusely.. and thinking i looked like a boy/dike.. I start to calm down and realize it will grow back.. and when it does it will look how it did before i let her cut it again.  So now my hair looks like a punk rocker more then anything.. and if i had black hair i'd look like Elvira.  I still am not sure about how I feel about it.. i mean i dont hate it.. but i dont love it.. (it is growing on me tho) and its so different.. well i guess ill post pictures.. so not everyone is shocked.. because i know i was.  still am.  so here are pictures...

 

Hair Down............................................................

 

Hair Up........................................................

So yeah.. there it is.. Let me know what you think.. :D 

On a different note I am leaving home tomorrow.  I'll drive down to see my grandparents and cousin who is flying off to tornado country (she's crazy).  And then Wednesday it's back to college life.. I am so excited!! But at the same time I am freaking out.. This is going to be one crazy year.

 

FailBoat

I dub thee the worst summer ever.. well maybe second worst summer.. but they're so close to being tied it's ridiculous.  I'm not going to go into details here considering most of the crap I am dealing with involves friends and their secrets.  Though one has to involve me and my secret.. which I am totally not sharing (no I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol thank you very much). 

WHY DO I HAVE TO CRY LIKE A LITTLE BABY?? I mean how unattractive is that anyways?  but seriously I feel like an emotional wreck.  And I really just want to get back to school (which btw i got everything on my check list from yesterday done.. except for any and all packing parts.. yeah..) and dive into all my classes and all my extracurriculars and even work.  yes i said it i would like to dive into my JOB!!! who says that?  besides me, just now. It is true though.  And you know what i want the most.. i want to get into the damn musical this semester.  I have been listening to the soundtrack ALL SUMMER.. I know majority of all the songs.  I just want someone to give me a freaking chance to prove myself.. I know I can do it.  I just know I can.  And getting involved with that would help me be able to refocus all my anxiety and stress about all this going down at the moment into something healthy and educational.  Just had to get that out there.

I saw J. I. Joe today.  I think the bad guy was a weeny.  A tiny weeny at that.  Tatum should really shaved that beard thing he was sporting.. not to mention guys in the military aren't aloud to have facial hair in the first place.. (unless it is in the form of a small mustache thing).  And to top it all off my favorite character was the guy who 1) didnt talk the entire movie 2) never even got to see his face (but boy could he fling a sword around like no other.. it was probably the coolest thing in the whole movie)

I am going to go pack now.  I don't care that it is 1 am, I will get my floor clean and my bed cleared off.  Ha-hah!

Packing Update.

(410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
(443): wasted?
(410): im pocohantasssss

Today was my first official day of packing.  Every piece of clothing I own is now clean.  They are all in a nice pile on my bed.  A large nice pile.  I also went through every bin I have and emptied them all out.  So now I have four empty bins, and a floor completely covered from what was in the bins.  Thus it looks like my room had wayyy too much to drink and then puked everywhere.. not pleasant.  And at the end of the day.. I have exactly half of a bin packed.  full of my books and gilmore girls series.  Very importante. :D  and lets not forget that my bed is still covered in clothes.. so guess who is sleeping in the TV room on the couch!! MEEEE!!  On a completely different note I watched My Best Friend's Girl and I kind of laughed incredibly hard when the guy shaved off his eyebrows.. it doesnt sound that funny but i assure you.. it was.  

So now my to-do list tomorrow is as follows:

-get up before 10

-take shower

-go to ulta with mom

-convince mom to stop by borders while out

-buy monologue book of some sort

-come home to messy room and make a cleaning plan

-check twitter, email, facebook, quizilla, fanfiction

-fill bins with junk

-check TFLN

-fold all clothes

-dance around to music

-pick clothes

-read a couple of chapters from current book

-pack clothes

Of course this is a tentative list.. but you get the gist of it.  Time for sleep now. :D

the woes of packing..

(434): he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHHA. I love harry potter references.  sorry i was on TFLN again.. its addicting.. and i find it calms my nerves while packing.. i think my mom is worried about my sanity, i kind of had a breakdown in front of her (caused by all this packing btw).. which consisted of alot of yelling and cussing.  and if you know me.. i dont cuss in front of my parents.  and yet i did.  way to burn bridges let me tell you.  i dont care how old i get.. im pretty sure my mom will always have the power to wash my mouth out with soap.  and on that note i dont know how my mom does it.. puts up with me and my brother and my dad.. if i were her i think i would have just killed us all by now and lived in prison for the rest of my life. (that doesnt say alot about me does it?) but seriously i dont know how she does it.. i could not have asked for more of a fantastic mom.  if i ever get lots of money.. she is totally getting her dream house and car. its the first thing on my list.. in front of college tuition even.. yeah shes that great.  so i guess i have postponed packing long enough.. back to folding and cleaning and dying slowly.. 

but just for fun.. here is another TFLN quote.. that some of my friends can directly relate to me. hehe.

(434): u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
(1-434): but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
(434): then give me ur phone
(1-434): NEVER!!

Fun Filled Internet

reading another friend's blog i came across this website:
textsfromlastnight.com
i finally know what i have been missing all my life. this website! I keep laughing so hard. seriously though, if you have never visited it go now, and if you already knew about it why not visit it again because its a joy.  and i thought fmylife.com was good.. no no this is way better.
and following Cynthia's lead i am now going to post a few of my favorites. though some will be a tad crude.. but i promise it'll be funny.. i am still laughing

(781): Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

(586): I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

(215): you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town

(508): he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK

(513): You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god. 
(513): and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.

(804): no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies

so yes.. i found these all wonderfully funny, and will now read them whenever i am feeling down. but i am not down now, i am incredibly up and ready for the world! hi-yah! yes i just karate chopped the screen.

Night Time Fun

I have decided that talking at night time on skype is probably one of the funnest things ever.. followed very closely by talking on aim.  But i will admit that when i get into these late hours i get a tad wacky and my comprehension level goes down to about a 2.. well if comprehension levels were on a scale of 1 to 100.. yes.. definitely a 2.. and i find my brain thinking in complete sentences but my hands only type like every other word.. so i have to reread what i type otherwise i might send something like have ever thought how pink pygmies water? and for that matter what are pink pygmies.. okay seriously though i need to stop writing.. 

but on a more logical note i am starting a new blog.. a suggestion made by a good friend of mine. hello Michael.. that only consists of an unedited raw story.. though raw i find to be kind of a gross word so maybe just uncut? instead of raw. but anyways.. it will just be a story blog.. so hopefully i can think of a story that will be good enough to blog about.. but in the meantime i am going to get some sleep. because tomorrow (or later today really) i am going to be packing back up for college!! i repeat, i am a junior. :D embrace it.. i have. lol.

When it comes to feelings...

You ever write an entire blog, then re-read it and decide nope, not going to post it? Because I am pretty sure I do that all the time. Which defeats the purpose of a blog that is supposed to inhabit my true feelings. I guess I could sum up the blog I erased really quickly:

Being a girl kinda sucks. Emotional mood swings suck. Today is beginning to suck. My brain feels like scrabble. And I suck at scrabble.

That was pretty much the gist of it. I think I deleted it because it made me even more sad. Though I do not know why I am sad in the first place. I was happy yesterday, as my blog from yesterday proves. But I am not happy right now. I don't know what I am exactly. Frustrated maybe. Let down. Perhaps angry at myself for a multitude of reasons. I don't want to focus on all that though. I am not going to let this (whatever "this" is) upset me anymore. Hence change of subject:

I saw Julie & Julia today. It was pretty incredible. Meryl Streep was fantastic. Amy Adams was adorable. And it made me want to cook. And I don't cook. Well besides the usual mac & cheese or some type of pasta. (I heart carbs... hah like you all didn't know this by looking at me.) But I have to be able to, my brother is good at it and so is my mom. I have to have some sort of good cooking genes right? I think it is probable. My brother disagrees with me. I stick my tongue out at my brother :p

I feel better now. And I want to write. I would continue on to tell you all about the books I have read this summer. (eleven total so far) But I think I will save that for another blog for another day.

the end of summmerrr

summer is almost over. and i can honestly say i dont think ive ever had a less productive one.  Not to say it wasnt fun.  it was great fun.  i dont think ive ever been so lazy.  but i am beyond excited to go back to school. not just because i miss all my friends and even some of the teachers but because i miss classes!!! i miss being involved and busy!!! i dont miss papers.. i never miss papers.. but thats about the only thing i dont miss.. oh and chapels.. never been a big fan of chapels. haha.  

and this year i am an upper classWOman!!!!  talk about yikes! im sure ill feel no different then last year, but its cool just the same.  i dont know why i am in such a good mood right now.. but i could practically skip.  and maybe do a little jig.  well that was my update.  catch-ya laterz! haha yeah right.. me a junior in college.. its laughable.